angel biscuits

2004-03-08T11:34:00.000-08:00

Alias is getting predictable. Damn.

2004-03-07T07:01:00.000-08:00

As we approach surgery 5, I am a mass of grim resignation. I don't think many of the people we cross paths with in our everyday life realize the significance of what is happening. This injury and rehab is our daily reality. It is not all consuming, but is pretty damn close. For the last 7 years we have lived and breathed erb's palsy. Every daily activity from eating, brushing his teeth, and washing his hair; every toy; everything!!! has been rated and assessed. Some of the movements have been practiced and worked on for years, we can't be like normal parents in the toy isle. Every toy and craft/activity is held up for inspection - will this promote and detract from fine motor skills? does he have enough finger/wrist/bicep strength to play with something and if so is it something that will allow him to build up strength or will it support a certain level/plateau? (FYI transformers and star wars guys are great for fine motor skill development)
Then comes Tyler's dreams, his everyday pain, growing pains made worse by what is shaping up to be a deformed shoulder. And there is nothing we can do to make everything "all better" It's not like a broken arm that heals, or an area that rights itself over time. It is neverending - forever. There will always be something to work on.
This time around Tyler is older - he's asking more questions and not the type with answers - "who's going to die first? me, you, or daddy? if I die first will there be someone with God who will tuck me in at night? will God have toys? if we were all going to die, who would you save? me or daddy? will they put "the mask" on me to make me sleep? where will you and daddy be while i'm sleeping?
Tyler has also, suddenly, become very helpless. needing Kerry or myself to be engaged with him in everything.
unfortunately a lot of the people around us have witnessed our reality for so long they have not only become numb to it, we have become the "roll your eyes" "here it comes again" joke. I'm sorry our everyday had become this joke for you Carl, however your attitude and opinion don't alter our reality.
What you don't seem to understand is that as the average birth weight of babies goes up and the basic pelvic structure and bone size of women doesn't change Brachial Plexus injuries are on the rise. And dr.'s will cover their ass every time. There is also DECADES of medical training that has been falsified and taught. But, to understand all of that in perspective would require thought, now wouldn't it?
So, why write all this down? Especially in a blog few ever read? I guess to say don't ask us "How is ...(fill in the blank)?" unless you are really interested in the answer - because we will honestly tell you. and just pretending to be interested in the answer does nothing but waste our time.

On a different note : God has showered us with blessings lately through Kerri Sparkman. Thank you Kerri, for being the godly woman you are.

2003-12-12T09:32:00.000-08:00

know why I am still here.

people suck.

2003-10-27T07:43:00.000-08:00

still have cold/flu. this just adds more to the usual feeling of fatigue and normal everyday migraines are just a bit more intense. Fun. i have to ask, when i look around me and see all the work i have yet to do (in the house, community, family etc..), and i know i don't have the energy or physical stamina to do even 1/4 of it, why am i still here?

Crazy Town

2003-10-24T17:22:00.000-07:00

Where to begin. Week of Oct. 13 started with me finding a lump in my breast and ended with me rushing Mrs. Mumm (the church/school office lady at Ty's school) to the ER because she had had two heart attacks and had passed out and fallen and hit her head. She has a shiner, and will for some time, but after quickly being careflighted to SA and having some repair work done she is home and seems ok (just weak). Thank you God!!! Then Kerry decided to go ahead and take down the large tree in front of our house that was dying. This was a project that took several days and had me praying that he didn't fall off the roof.
This week started with Tyler getting sick and then proceeding to give me his cold, and ended with a mammogram and sonogram FUN!! Kerry has been in Chicago this week and we are waiting for him to come home right now. I don't know if I can handle any more fun and considering next week is halloween that will be a challenge.
On the upside I did enjoy Nathan and Jeremiah on Sunday. It was a real blessing.

Dianna

2003-06-26T08:52:00.000-07:00

Tyler and I met up with his physical therapist yesterday. She is seeing dramatic changes through what we are doing. I'm probably giving him a bit more weight to work with than is customary but it seems to be working. Thank you God!!!

I have been baking pies, carrot cakes etc... for the Comfort farmer's market that sells every Saturday. Which means I bake for 2 days straight every week. Am I crazy?

My last ovary has become a cyst making machine. I'm going to try and make it through the summer but it's becoming quite annoying. Unfortunately this means I'm about to go through early menopause, so pray for Kerry's sanity.

2003-05-16T13:19:00.000-07:00

Been enjoying the musings of Dorothy Parker today.( Thanks Nick ) You can find quite a few of her poems at americanpoems.com

This week was Kerry's birthday.(May 14) And currently we are gearing up for Chris and Mandy's wedding (Tyler's the ringbearer)

2003-05-09T05:58:00.000-07:00

But what can I say? He has spoken to me, and He himself has done this. I will walk humbly all my years because of this anguish of my soul. Lord, by such things men live; and my spirit finds life in them too. You restored me to health and let me live. Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back. For the grave cannot praise you, death cannot sing your praise; those who go down to the pit cannot hope for your faithfulness. The living, the living--they praise you, as I am doing today; fathers tell their children about your faithfulness.
Isaiah 38:15-19

2003-04-26T08:52:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year again. Our yearly pilgrimage to Houston. Texas Children's Hospital. Some years we've had to go more often (every few months), and not always for the same rechecks. This time it's for Tyler's 1 year post-op from his last surgery. Although it appears to have been a success, there are still some areas that haven't reacted as expected. We are eager and somewhat apprehensive to talk with the staff at the clinic about these problem areas. For me, as a mother, walking the halls of that facility bring a mixed bag of emotions ranging from gratitude and praise to God to deep stabbing sorrow. I think handing your baby over knowing that when he comes back to you he will be in pain is one of the hardest things I've had to do. Each time knowing somewhere in the back of your mind that this is probably not the last time you will have to do it, that this will be an ongoing lifetime struggle in some aspect or another. I know and am very thankful for how lucky we are. That we get to walk into the the wing of the hospital we do and not into the new cancer facility, or worse. But there are times, when I definitely don't feel lucky. I feel downright resentful that we have to make these trips at all. When I look down at Tyler when he's sleeping and want to scream and yell and throw things at God for refining us, not as silver, but testing us in the furnace of affliction (Isaiah 48:10).
Dianna

2003-04-23T07:30:00.000-07:00

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12

2003-04-19T10:17:00.000-07:00

Had my monthly appointment with my neurologist this week. He is an amazing man and brilliant doctor. However, I didn't much like what he had to say this time (or the last few times for that matter). But he knew I wouldn't, which is why he said it with a smile.

Have a glorious and renewing Easter,
Dianna

2003-04-15T14:03:00.000-07:00

Tyler and I were watching one of his favorite cartoons when he turned to me and said "Well that was a little unorthodox." Of course I asked him if he knew what that meant and in his six year old way his definition wasn't too far off the mark. I guess I just never expected to hear a comment like that come out of a child and be used in context in reference to a cartoon. But, God is constantly challenging me to see things in new ways or to reexamine things in my life with new eyes. Sometimes even through the eyes of a child.

Peace,
Dianna

2003-04-14T19:04:00.000-07:00

My cousin Laura is married to a brilliant poet named Mike. He has been writing for years but recently self-published a collection of poetry that is both smart and witty called Crawford, TX: Poems of Wild Adventure and Deep Reflection. With his permission, here is his intro and a sample of his work. (If you like what you see and would like a copy of the book, you can contact Mike Snyder at MikeandLaura@bluefox.tv He is asking $8.00 per copy plus s&h.

Crawford, TX: Poems of Wild Adventure and Deep Reflection is a compilation of poetry based on my years attending school and living in Crawford--roughly 1983-1990, and the years afterwards visiting friends who reside there. I hope you enjoy.
--S. Michael Snyder--

Crawford, Tx pop. 705
(c) S. Michael Snyder

to a city-boy, you seemed very rural with
your outlying fields of wheat corn maize
almost forgotten bricked buildings
time-honored along a slow coffee drip
mainstreet, that tiny post-office and
those 4-5 Firsts churches tacking it all down.
where everyone was okky-finokky folk
waving friendly even if they didn't know
you but glad to have you as the old timers
would say.
on a plateau prairie of down to earth God's
country with elongated roads throughout
farther a bit than a man can see where
houses variagate cozy home dottages
good climbing trees wandering dogs
worn-out grass court basketball baseball
frontyards backyards gardens trellace
in a town perfect for bike riding
traipsing in deep thoughts the children
of soil the lovers of small things
simplicity honest railroad engines
bustle by in salute to that stillness of life,
breathing wholly full and consummate
in awareness of what it all means--
that what you really need, you can count
with your fingers, and leave that big city
to its hemmed raucous desolation.
For the luxury of peace, you are willing
to forgo all that, and bring men back to
where they came from...

Queen Elizabeth the English Teacher
(c) S. Michael Snyder

drake and raleigh froze her years ago in a rum
flavored sepulture of doily ice; a frostine maiden
of another age she was awaiting slumbered
repose in a rustic country to dissolve.
we melted her, dressed her up,
and she taught one heck of a British Lit.
still pale from criogenics,
her red lipstick blue eyeliner
of union jack bespoke words of Romantics
the missing link of youthful evolutions.
i wanted to be like Lord byron
breeding wild bears in his dorm room...
yet all i mustered were skittish roaches
afraid of motel shadows.
at a Beta-club spaghetti dinner, we made pigs
of ourselves snorting linguine slop sauce
while she ate slow with a perpetual napkin
pressing the gentle corners
and lighting candles to break the spell.
she was my grammarian mama
who with hints so subtle enticed me
to raid the Spanish Main scribbling
cursing cursive subject verb preposition
adjective adverbs articles apostrophe [,]
I even jumped down and helped
Robert browning loop hair round Elizabeth barrett.
She ran off with some guy named
Bass (same name as the famous outlaw)
and they probably reside in some
underground cave where, on occasion,
i can still hear her whisper faintly
through behemoths her trademark decree:
"Can you elaborate on that?"
i smile and reply in kind:
"No, but i will extrapolate."

2003-04-10T16:57:00.000-07:00

Two thoughts for the day.

"Reading seeks, Meditation finds; Prayer asks, contemplation tastes." Augustine

"Thought is the property of those only who can entertain it." Emerson

Be well,
Dianna

2003-04-08T08:15:00.000-07:00

My aunt just sent me some christian one liners, some of which bear some thought. Here's a sample:

The Good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.

2003-04-08T07:48:00.000-07:00

Topic of Discussion

About a month ago a friend of mine and I got into a discussion that for me has continued throughout the month with various people. His position was that there are some people who simply can't handle truth. Not unadulterated, this-isn't-pretty and it's-covered-in-the-stench-of-life kind of truth. Their world only stays on its axis as long as the blinders stay firmly implanted and the boat doesn't get rocked. If you rock the boat, their world starts springing leaks faster than the Titanic. And, in my friend's words "Some things are better left unsaid and buried". Well, after some deliberation, I have to agree with him IN THIS CASE.

The problem comes in with the fact that if you have to dilute yourself, the Truth, or reality, to make it more palatable or acceptable then it isn't really Truth anymore is it. It becomes a truth-like substance. But, doesn't everyone dilute themselves, the truth and reality in at least some small way everyday? Then, too, the question of what to do with the people you would like to maintain relationships with, but in order to do so you know going in you are going to have to dilute yourself and does this invalidate your credibility in other ways?

Anyway, that and lots of other great fun going on at the Sutton House. But, more on that later,

Dianna

2003-04-05T17:08:00.000-08:00

Watched "How to Kill Your Neighbor's Dog" last night. It's definitely going in to my top 10 fav movies. Not sure yet which one it's going to replace. It was the wittiest, smartest thing I've seen in a while. It's also one of those you need to watch more than once just to catch all the fantastic one liners. The dialogue gave me hope that there are still good screenwriters in Hollywood, they are just in hiding.

I was watching war footage and was particularly struck by a child who died of a head injury. The US/Brit doc's did what they could but they weren't set up to treat ped's or major head trauma. Looking at my own son, I realized he has no thought of will he have food tomorrow, or will he have warm, safe place to sleep tonight. His biggest concerns are will he have enough time to play all of the games he has in mind and will mom and dad be able to play 2 or 3 games with him?. I can't help but be thankful that he doesn't have to dodge bullets in his sleep. He has complete trust in mom and dad's abilities to take care of all of his necessities and can turn his mind to learning, playing, and trying to figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop. That's what I wish my relationship with the Father was all the time. That I could just let go and trust that He will take of all of my necessities leaving me free use the abilities He gave me to learn, play and grow His kingdom. I can give Him that trust sometimes, I guess I just need to work on giving it up and not taking it back. Well, I guess that's another self-improvement project to work on.

Have a blessed and peaceful night.
Dianna

2003-04-04T11:02:00.000-08:00

A Good Cry
My Mom works civil service for the Army out of Ft.Hood, TX. Growing up surrounded by the military gives you quite a different perspective. This is a link to slide show my Mom sent me with the song "I Won't Back Down" playing with. It will take a minute to load, especially if you have dial-up, but it is worth the wait. The first time I watched it, I cried.

click here

Peace and Blessings
Dianna

2003-04-04T07:46:00.000-08:00

My Mom sent me a list of some bumper stickers she came across. See if any would fit nicely on your bumper.

1. I don't suffer from insanity: I enjoy every minute of it.
2. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
3. Don't take life too seriously.....no one gets out alive.
4. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
5. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
6. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
7. Quoting one is plagerism; quoting many is research.
8. I'm not a complete idiot - some parts are missing.
9. Nyquil - the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
10. It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
11. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
12. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
13. MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
14. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
15. I have a degree in liberal arts-do you want fries with that?
16. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
17. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
18. STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere.
19. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
20. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

Hmmm. Later - Dianna

A Lesson learned the hard way

2003-04-03T09:42:00.000-08:00

A Lesson Learned the Hard Way

Patience is not a virtue. At least it's not one of mine. However, I do believe it is the discipline and faith to await God's revelations in His timing - not yours ( or mine as the case may be ). So, that is where I find myself today at this moment.

We ventured over to Austin last night to see Bea and Andy and the crew once more before everyone went back across the pond. We got to spend some time with Jen and Andy (aka Pinks) over Amy's ice cream. Tyler and Pinks found a mutual shared interest in Star Wars, is there anyone the force doesn't touch eventually? It was great to spend some QT with Bea. There are some people you meet and you just feel like you were meant to be family - I always feel like Bea is a relative I haven't seen a while. Shannon was looking more rested post-wabi. Other than that a nap is looking really good for this afternoon.

Safe Journey to all the English travelling in the next few days. Blessings - Dianna

October

2003-04-02T09:19:00.000-08:00

October

Pain is everywhere
It permeates the air.
I feel it body, mind and soul
And I feel less than whole.

Lord, I cry out to You
Help me to renew
My heart and faith in You.

It's wrong I know
To let this pain have control
But I'm tired, so tired
Of fighting, hurting, breathing.

Where are You in this?
I can't see You. Hear You.
At that moment, I realize -
You are behind me,
wrapping me in Your arms
Listening. Feeling me.
Holding me fast, away from the edge.

Dianna Sutton

2003-04-02T09:04:00.000-08:00

"Certain thoughts are prayers. There are moments when, whatever be the attitude of the body, the soul is on its knees." --Victor Hugo

Ray - I am praying so many things for you. Safety. Peace. That the spirit will be in you, around you, and guiding you. That the war you find yourself in will be over soon. Know that you are covered in prayer and that your christian family has not forgotten you.

Cassie - I don't know if this will get through to you, but, you are in my prayers daily girl! I know that choosing to have your leg removed was your choice and I thank God everyday that you live in a family and country where medical care was not an issue. I know your immediate family and church are supporting you, but know that your beautiful, humble spirit is an inspiration, to journey to the cross every day. I am so thankful you are in this world.

To my friend who shall remain nameless - get it through your thick skull that when you hurt, the people who love and care for you hurt also, it is a symbiotic relationship. And you had damn well better bring me that package UNOPENED.

That's all the preaching I am going to do for now.

Later, Dianna

The Search

2003-01-21T09:11:00.000-08:00

What do you search for?
Is it sin or redemption?
Faith or Condescension?

What do I seek?
Relief from pain
Emotional or personal gain?

What do I need?
Only You Lord, only You
And if You're not to busy, a body that's new.

I am selfish , I know
To ask for what I don't deserve
I only hope that in Your judgement,
You reserve.

The love of my Father is infinite and deep.
And I am humbled by the promises You keep.

I know You will meet my needs;
Even before I could voice all of my deeds
You forgave. And I, I rejoice.

Peace,
Dianna

Howling at the Moon

2003-01-01T19:34:00.000-08:00

What do you do or say when someone close to you has experienced a soul shattering moment? When the soul is so overwhelmed it can't contain all that one is asking it to. For that matter how do I cope myself? (Be it a traumatic event, relationship, family thing, accident, whatever). I mean something that goes beyond weeping or screaming. When people turn to things, as a means of expression, that maybe aren't within the "traditional" boundaries that society is comfortable with. In the christian world I think the knee jerk reaction is to say "Pray harder" (which, by the way, how the hell do you do that?) or "How is your walk". In fact, not only have I been told these things but so have my friends - leading me to believe that this is a far wider spread response than is healthy. Personally, it makes me angry when something outside of my control is turned over to me to shoulder the burden of blame, shame, guilt, etc..when what is really happening is that the "wise" person you have sought counsel with either is disturbed and uncomfortable by the pain you're in or by your journey to seek a way to express that pain and hurt. I know what I needed was just unconditional, open-armed acceptance. Much like what you get with Jesus. (Ironic huh?) No questions. Just a spiritual hug. I do believe that the first step to healing the hurt is expressing it, even if it is just to yourself and God, so you can acknowledge the source and say that this thing is no longer going to have the power to hurt me. God is my rock and in the end the sand will get sucked back out to sea, leaving only me and my Rock.

I do have to post a side note that is: physical hugs can sometimes sustain the spirit like nothing else. I'm lucky enough to have a Mom and some others who provide a never-ending supply. Thanks Mom. I also have to say my hubby has been right there for the last ten years which have been more challenging than I could have ever imagined. He dealt with his own pain and tried to help me deal with mine when I let him. Love you K.

Have a peaceful and silent night. Dianna

my decoder ring

2002-12-28T20:47:00.000-08:00

I think I've finally figured out what my "problem" is. First, some background, I don't have a lot of bosom buddies: I'm not a girly girl, so I'm not usually asked back twice to sit in on girl's night. Ever since I was a kid it has been chinese water tortured into me that I'm not quite "normal" (truth be told I would just consider the source of the person(s) trying to fit me into a mold and most of the time they were people whose opinions didn't really matter in the great scheme of things anyway). And, I've finally figured it out - I have this theory that everyone gets a basic decoder ring at birth. This allows them to move through society with success or failure based on how well they master the language/code of the ring and are able to decode well enough to blend in with everyone around them. While I thought mine was broken for a long time I've now come to believe mine is just set to decode at a different frequency (for lack of a better word) than most peoples; Not all - there are notable exceptions - with some I can communicate so well that we don't even have to speak at times. Where the problem comes in is when all the so called "normal" people, who like to believe they are the majority, want to superimpose their perceptions of reality, truth, morality etc onto me and we are obviously speaking two different languages. Heads up all you "normal" people out there - YOU ARE NOT THE MAJORITY ANY MORE.

I don't think Christmas was ever intended to be this stressful. Happy New Year and Pass the Crown.

Home

2002-12-10T15:47:00.000-08:00

Draw close to me, Father
I sing it, I say it, I read it, I pray it.
I'm sorry, Lord, that I will never fully comprehend, in this flesh,
What if means to draw close to You.

I Praise You, Father
That I'm not required to understand, that which I can not.
I have only to believe and trust:
And in that, the Creator of the Universe
Becomes my Father, my friend, my confidante.

You, in Your perfection, will never betray
You'll never fall away
Though I allow the cares of this world
To throw me in doubt and lead me astray
You, Father, You always welcome me Home.

Dianna Sutton 2001

Pinholes in the curtain of night

2002-11-25T19:08:00.000-08:00

i've heard a lot of people claim death as the only true equalizer in life. i've heard quite a few well-meaning pastors, preachers, and teachers say love is the great equalizer. But, as for me and my house, we believe that PAIN is the equalizer. When you see someone in obvious pain, you are usually seeing something that is so overwhelming to them that they can't contain it. if you can connect with them in that moment your are not only seeing straight into that person's soul for that moment in time, but you are creating an instant, intimate bond with them. That bond transcends age, race, sexual orientation, social status - whatever prejudices the world may hold at the moment just seem to fall away.

i, among other things, have a condition called pseudotumor cerebri. my nervous system produces 3-5 times the normal amount of spinal fluid and tries to fit it into a finite closed system. it produces headaches and untreated would begin to crush my brain. i controlled the levels for about 18 months with meds and spinal taps every 2-4 weeks to draw off the excess fluid. during this time our son had just been born. tyler got stuck and the doctor pulled so hard on his head and neck that he pulled nerves out of his spinal column, partially paralyzing his right arm. he's 5 now and has had 4 major surgeries on his arm, worn braces, casts, and had countless hours of physical therapy / occupational therapy. (and he's the happiest most up-beat kid.)

anyway - i say all that to say that i got to a point where i told God that i really didn't care what plan's he had for me because nothing could glorify him enough of justify the pain i was going through and i was ready to get out. and if he wouldn't accommodate then i had plenty of meds and the gun was loaded and ...

obviously i'm still around. our health challenges continue. the only difference i guess is that i can connect with others who are in some pretty dark places and while i may not always have much light to offer, i can always hold their hand in the dark. sometimes just knowing you're not alone and you're not going crazy is enough to get you to the next day. -Dianna